A friend blogged about what he was most thankful for this last year, which prompted me to do the same. I pondered this last year and considered what was I most grateful for. One thing stood out from everything else--freedom from pain.
Around 2006, I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis (IC), sometimes called painful bladder syndrome. Basically, it means that the lining of the bladder is fractured, and that urine can leak into the surrounding tissue, causing extreme pain and muscle spasms. This condition, and the pain it causes, has ruled my life for the last several years.
It was like I had a never ending bladder infection. Holding urine in the bladder was painful, so I had to urinate frequently. Sometimes, I was urinating every 15 minutes. If I had to hold it, the pain would grow so intense, I thought I would pass out. If I held it too long, I would be wracked with painful bladder spasms for hours afterward. I had extremely painful flare ups, which could last for days. These were usually triggered by my diet, or by standing too long, or by exercise. Sometimes I couldn't figure out what triggered a flare up.
This affected every aspect of my life. Nearly everything I loved to do in life caused me pain. Hiking, fishing, walking, traveling, everything was painful or caused me hours of pain afterward. I never went anywhere without carrying pain pills. I would inwardly panic in public places if I did not know where the restroom was located. Standing was painful. Walking was painful. I hated to share rides or travel with other people if the trip was longer than an hour. Meetings and presentations were pure hell if I was in the midst of a flare up. How do you explain why you are leaving for the bathroom every 15 minutes? If I dehydrated myself to avoid urinating, I would cause a flare up and my bladder would spasm painfully for hours. On the other hand, if I drank water, I would would have to urinate frequently which was also painful. It was a catch-22 of pain and embarrassment.
Every year the pain grew worse. About a year ago, I decided to find a urologist who specialized in IC to see if there was anything new I could try. She prescribed some medications to try. These medications helped with the bladder spasms, but I was still never sure when the pain would flatten me. The urologist then suggested I get an ultrasound to check to see if the fibroids in my uterus were pushing on my bladder. Sure enough, the fibroids had grown substantially and were pressing hard on my bladder, reducing its capacity by half. My urologist was confident that they were in large part responsible for my pain. I scheduled a hysterectomy, which I had last January.
After my surgery recovery, everything started to slowly improve. My bladder started to heal. I was able to sleep at night, since I no longer had to get up every hour. I could hold my urine without causing hours of bladder spasms, which freed me to once again enjoy things I had given up. I could watch an entire movie in the theater without having to leave for the bathroom. I could go hiking again, without having to spend the next day in bed with a heating pad and pain meds. I could do my work, and not panic during meetings. It was like the world once again opened up for me. Things which were impossible became possible. I had my life back. I was finally free from the pain which had come to define me and had ruled my life.
I still have IC. I still have to watch my diet. I still have flare ups, and occasional bouts of pain. But instead of controlling me, I can control the pain. That is freedom. We never really appreciate what we have until it is gone. I am very blessed, because I now have a second chance to enjoy things which I lost for years. I strive to never stop appreciating what I have and what I can do, because I never know when I might lose them again. The IC could worsen, and there is a possibility I could be back to where I was. Every single day is a blessing, and that is easy to forget. I am so grateful that this last year I got my life back, and I want to enjoy it to the fullest.
I am so thankful to have my life back. I am so thankful for my family and my husband, who have supported me through all the years of pain. I am so thankful that I can once again enjoy doing things with them without pain. I am so thankful I have a second chance to appreciate all those things I took for granted.
It is easy to be thankful for the big things in life. What I have discovered through all this is this. Be thankful for the little things, because you can never be sure when you might lose them and realize they are not so little after all.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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